Have you ever felt worried or afraid? This year has been a terrible year full of enormous fear for me. So huge and underlying in the back of my head that it never never goes away. I truly now know what anguish is. Anguish is when one realizes the unpredictability of the future and how his or her actions may have no affect on this future. For me this concept was not made clear until my child was right at deaths door. It is not remarkable that at this scene you then can feel perfectly what true anguish is. The idea of doing everything I could possible do to take care of my child and knowing that I could not control the outcome has been a horrible life lesson. But it has been a lesson and I am working on being a good student. I have learned a lot. I can still make myself do many many things in hopes for the best. I can find happiness in the smallest smile, littlest hug, and softest kiss. I can still keep going in the dark. I know God listens to us and can lead us. I can make my child do terrible things and take terrible medicine in hopes that the future will be bright. I can watch someone really suffer and not run away. I can hold myself together. I still can laugh. I still can cry even though its seems like there should be no tears left. I can still look to the future with hope.
Speaking of Hope. Josie just made it through honestly the most terrible 7 months of her life and mine too. We are so happy!!! It is time to celebrate. We are on to maintenance chemo. She will take 6mp (chemo) every night until April 16 2011. She will continue to do steroids, spinals, and other chemo's on specific dates in the hospital in a repeated 12 week cycle over and over the next 19 months. We won't know if what we did worked for many years. Actually it is 5 years to "cure." They just sort of said good luck -she survived the hard stuff-if the symptoms return we will reevaluate the therapy. You feel sort of let down and a weird sense of relief/fear. So "Hurray" as Josie says when something good happens and a great big wish all is clear till we reach April 16 2011. At that time it will be considered remission. Go Josie Go !!!!!! You can make it to remission-April 16 2011 here we come.
10 comments:
Gosh, that is a bag of mixed emotions. April 2011 seems so far away. Keep your hopes up. You had that great feeling of comfort and peace early on for a reason. I have a feeling all will be well. You're in our prayers.
wow. Hooray for Josie! We're so proud of and amazed at that little girl and her survivor spirit. The maintenance chemo will probably feel like a piece of cake compared to the hell she has just experienced (for you too, I hope). Go, Josie, Go!
In Josie's words, "Hurray!" for her. That is great. I'm glad you've gotten through the worst of it and now you are going forward with remission. I know evertyhing will be fine, Josie is a fighter! By the way, that is a great, adorable picture!
Hurray for Josie! What a crazy roller coster ride you have been on?! Hold on to the feeling of peace and comfort that you have felt. She is a fighter and you are a great supporter of that fighter! Good work, Angee and Dave! You made it this far, it will only get better from here. Hugs to you guys! Let's celebrate!
I am so happy that Josie is over the worst of her chemo. What a long, hard road for that baby girl. May the next many years of her life be smooth going. She sure deserves that.
I have been thinking about your definition of anguish. "Anguish is when one realizes the unpredictability of the future and how his or her actions may have no affect on this future." I can relate to much of this and it is indeed anguish. It's a lesson that has been extremely hard for me to learn, being an admitted control freak. How much worse the anguish must be when it is concerning your child... God bless you and Dave, Angee.
I hope you can move into the routine of your life from here on out and be able to be happy and peaceful even while you are still surrounded with uncertainty. That's been another thing very hard for me-- trying somehow to feel "normal" when nothing is settled, and may never be.
Josie is still the cutest little china doll I've ever seen.
I love all that you said and I can learn alot from you. I do tend to think I am in control of my life and you make me realize that none of us are and we need to find happiness in every small thing each day. You are incredible! I am so glad you're over the worst treatments.
That picture of her is so cute! Way to go to Josie and Mom for making it through all this! I miss you!!
Oh wow. I am so glad she is threw all the hard stuff. I know you are not done with this road yet, but I think it will be a little less bumpy. As my Father in law always says 'Onward and Upward'. I think it is a great slogan for most of life. Let us know how we can help out. We love you guys,
We are so glad that Josie is over the worst of it, but sheesh! You guys have all been through a lot this year. Here's hoping for uneventful times until April 2011, and beyond. Josie and your family will continue to be in our prayers always. Lots of love!
What a little sweetheart! I have been thinking of you so much. I hope all is well and that things are getting a little easier. I can't even imagine what you've been through and how hard it must be on all of you. I hate uncertainty and having no control. Especially when it comes to your precious little kids. I'm so glad she's done with the hard part! We will be praying for her to keep up the fight and looking forward to April 2011. You are all amazing!! We love you!!!
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