Have you ever felt worried or afraid? This year has been a terrible year full of enormous fear for me. So huge and underlying in the back of my head that it never never goes away. I truly now know what anguish is. Anguish is when one realizes the unpredictability of the future and how his or her actions may have no affect on this future. For me this concept was not made clear until my child was right at deaths door. It is not remarkable that at this scene you then can feel perfectly what true anguish is. The idea of doing everything I could possible do to take care of my child and knowing that I could not control the outcome has been a horrible life lesson. But it has been a lesson and I am working on being a good student. I have learned a lot. I can still make myself do many many things in hopes for the best. I can find happiness in the smallest smile, littlest hug, and softest kiss. I can still keep going in the dark. I know God listens to us and can lead us. I can make my child do terrible things and take terrible medicine in hopes that the future will be bright. I can watch someone really suffer and not run away. I can hold myself together. I still can laugh. I still can cry even though its seems like there should be no tears left. I can still look to the future with hope.
Speaking of Hope. Josie just made it through honestly the most terrible 7 months of her life and mine too. We are so happy!!! It is time to celebrate. We are on to maintenance chemo. She will take 6mp (chemo) every night until April 16 2011. She will continue to do steroids, spinals, and other chemo's on specific dates in the hospital in a repeated 12 week cycle over and over the next 19 months. We won't know if what we did worked for many years. Actually it is 5 years to "cure." They just sort of said good luck -she survived the hard stuff-if the symptoms return we will reevaluate the therapy. You feel sort of let down and a weird sense of relief/fear. So "Hurray" as Josie says when something good happens and a great big wish all is clear till we reach April 16 2011. At that time it will be considered remission. Go Josie Go !!!!!! You can make it to remission-April 16 2011 here we come.
