Leukemia

1. December 25th - Josie stopped walking.
   
2. December 29th - The Pediatrician decided it was a virus in Josie's hip & the x-rays were ok. Scheduled an appointment with a specialist to get a second opinion.
   
3. January 5th- She is still hobbling around so we saw a Specialist (Orthopedic Pediatric Hip Surgeon) He confirmed it was just a hip virus and it would go away.
4. January 19th- Josie fell and hurt her arm. We took a trip to the Emergency room- they said she is fine and sent us home. She cried all night. So I called the pediatrician.
   
5. January 20th - Pediatrician recommends another specialist to set her arm and to get a second look at her hips. Josie's arm is cast and blood work is drawn (He thinks it is probably a virus) The blood work came back fine. I ask if we can have a bone scan because this is too weird -with her limping and not walking on and off.
   
6. January 30th Bone Scan (Accidentally an arthritis specialist see's the bone scan and thinks it is arthritis and calls and leaves a message at our home) Boy was he wrong.
   
7. February 3rd (Follow up appointment with Hip doctor) The Doctor says that her bone scan is fine, but she had some swelling in her left ankle. So he would cast her leg. He tells me it is hard to diagnose breaks in small children. A good portion of their growth plate is still not bone. I tell him, "I am not leaving." I cannot leave with a child who is not walking. He looks at me for a couple seconds and replies, "I will call your pediatrician." He comes back and says we are ordering blood work for Leukemia. An unexplainable fear washed over my body. The horror I felt inside is indescribable. I began to shake and called Dave to come meet us at the doctors. As they cast Josie's leg, I silently cried. I couldn't keep the tears from running out of my eyes. The tech rapping her leg looked at me and said, "It looks like it has been a rough month." I am sure he thought we were beating Josie up or something. She had a bright pink cast on her arm and now an orange one on her leg. Lilly kept saying, "Mom its o.k. Josie's leg will get better." I know this is what it is. I know it is leukemia.
   
8. Dave came and we left to find a Lab to do the blood work. I call me sister hysterical (Dave is in the other car with the kids)It is now 4:30 pm and we raced to two different labs to only find they were closed. So we had to wait until the morning. It was a very very long night.
   
9. February 4th- We went to the Lab at 8:00 AM. They told us it would be a week before the results would be in. We said we couldn't wait and asked if they would call our doctor to get it ordered stat. At 2:00 PM I get a phone call that we are to go to Phoenix's Children's Hospital. The oncologist would like to re-run the labs. Somehow, I am still hoping this is all a big mistake. My doctor tells me to pack my bags. I sort think this is not real.
   
10. I will never never forget the face of that doctor who told me Josie had Leukemia. He looked so calm and so sweet as told me this terrible life changing news. A wave of fear filled up my entire body. My brother and brother-in-law came to give us blessings. I have a feeling of relief, but what was that he said? What did that mean? Is she going to live? Did it mean she is going to live? Things are getting very blurry. I just sort of wanted to run. To run away and take Josie with me. She doesn't have cancer. This is not real.
    
11. We are wheeled up to the second floor (cancer floor) and put in a room with a very sick kid. The shock, the fear, the not knowing is overwhelming. I am in this terrible nightmare and why can't I wake up? They began hooking her up to all kinds of things and tell us that only one parent can stay the night. The parent will be the primary caregiver. The labs that will be done at 4:00 in the morning will tell us what kind of Leukemia she has and the other procedures in the morning will give us more information on her condition. Her crib looks like a steel cage, and I have this small sort of couch thing to sleep on. She cries, so I end up holding her most of the night. Too many people kept coming in and out and the sick little boy throwing up all night is soooo frightening. How can my child be this sick? Make it go away. How can I ask God to make it go away. Who am I to ask for this? How do I tell him that I really really want to keep her? Isn't that the question that everyone on this entire floor is asking for. Make it better? Look at all these sick kids? I don't ask why? That is a silly question. But, the real question is- Will he let me have what I want? Is it in the plan? What should I say? So instead of asking for a fix-I decided I could pray for strength. The answer comes to me. It is strong and in the words of the endowment ceremony at the veil. I am astonished. I just said the entire thing perfectly in my head and I feel calm. Those sacred words came back to me every time I prayed in the hospital. To really ponder on their meaning is amazing. I am so thankful for the power of the priesthood and the temple ordinances in our families life. Josie had many procedures, spinal taps, bone marrow aspirates, blood work, transfusions, a surgery to put her port in, ct scans, and x-rays. She ran a high fever the first week, which was agonizing because she had no immune. She contracted RSV so we were moved to the sick floor. We went in on Feb 4th and came home Feb 18th a full fledged cancer patient. To mangage her pain has been a very big worry for me. But, I know it will all be ok because I get her for eternity. The answer is "Eternity", but the Hell of it is to watch the suffering.